Letter of Pain, Source for Strength
by Lady Electra
Summary: This is one of my 'What IF?' fics. What if Sgt. Zim had a child in the Mobile Infantry...and he's just gotten word that this child is MIA? Sets the stage for the next chapters. Please review
1. Default Chapter

Letter of Pain, Source for Strength

Zim looked over the letter again hoping that he had read it wrong, hoping the he had missed something and that what the letter was saying was wrong. But the words had not changed, along with the message. They burned deeper into his heart…

"To Sgt. CharlesZim,

We regrettably write this to tell you that during an op. on Klendathu, your daughter Cpl. Rebecca Zim was reported as MIA…" 

This was his worst nightmare come true; his daughter was a casualty of war, worse then that she was MIA. Somehow he found the not knowing whether she was dead or alive worse than knowing one way or the other. Zim crumpled the sheet of paper in his hand, mixed feelings running though him.

He had told himself of the dangers that came with her enlisting, but somehow he'd never really thought it would happen to her. He really didn't want her to enlist, but it was her choice, and he would stand by her no matter what her decision was. He collapsed into his chair, reaching down into his desk drawer; he removed a silver-framed picture of Rebecca. It had been taken right after her graduation. He remembered how proud he felt seeing her receiving her diploma. That had been the last time he had seen her, that night she left for boot camp.

He wasn't able to train her at Currie, so he pulled a few strings, called in a few favors, and was able to get her into Currie's Siberian counterpart. That was all he had done for her, anything she accomplished from there on was with her own blood, sweat, and tears. Secretly he had wished that she would be a 'wash out' but she made it through with flying colors.

With a heavy sigh he placed her picture back in his desk drawer and closed it. A new shipment of recruits was coming in and he couldn't afford to let his feeling get in the way of his training, even if it was his daughter. He was teaching them what they needed to survive this war, but he knew that many of them wouldn't. As he got ready to walk back out and 'greet' the recruits, one word slipped into his mind; hope. There was hope that she was still alive, even if it was slim, there was hope.


	2. Going Home

Coming Home

Part1

The Roughnecks passed though the area of the latest battle. Parts from power suits and bugs were scattered around, a silent testament to the battle that had happened 3 days earlier. Out of a squad of twelve only one survived, and two were MIA. Their job was to find them…or at least the bodies. SICON felt that their disappearance was too suspicious and they wanted to be sure that the MIA troopers had not been infected with the bug virus like Maj. Barcalow

As they looked no one spoke. They all felt that to break the silence that had befallen the battlefield would be to dishonor the fallen troopers. The odds were against the two MIAs. Even if they were alive more then likely the suits would be breached allowing Oxygen to leak out and let in the poisonous unfiltered air. That was a death sentence in its self. Doc had figured that they had about two more hours left to find them and if they were still alive save them.

Razak looked over at Gossard who shook his head; their powersuit's locator beacons weren't transmitting. The two hours were nearly up and still there was no evidence that the MIA troopers were dead or otherwise. Sadly they had to leave; all of them were disturbed. They had wanted to find something that could bring the trooper's family to peace, but also to bring them to peace knowing that they hadn't left one of their own behind. The Lt. looked a little more disturbed, no one knew why and no one was about to ask.

As they doubled back Rico caught sight of the edge of the cliff. Something wasn't right. His mind and eyes didn't see anything out of the ordinary but his gut told him that something was wrong with the picture. Going over to the edge he looked down, on a ledge about 30 feet below were the two troopers. He yelled for the others to come back. Doc set up lizard lines to check on them while Gossard radioed for a med-evac transport.

Joining Doc, Rico went to help with the injured troopers. They were alive, just holding on by a thread, but they were alive. Doc performed a quick scan of them to make sure it was safe to move them. Rico attached a line to one of them. A long slash went down the left side of his face, cutting through his eye. Rico was no medic but he figured it would have to be replaced with a biomechanical one. The second, a female trooper was worse off. A medical patch that was issued to every trooper had been placed over a wound on her back. Stained crimson it brought back unpleasant memories to him. Something struck him as familiar about her, he'd seen her somewhere before but he couldn't place where.

As they gave them over to the medical team Rico caught sight of the female trooper's helmet, the name written across the side caused him to do a double take. Zim? Could it be possible? No, he was a career Sgt. when would he have found the time to have a family? And besides Zim was a common name.

~*~

Zim looked up from his paperwork as a Cpl. from the camp HQ walked into his tent.

The Cpl. saluted him, "Official SICON letter for you Sir." He placed the letter down on the desk, quickly saluting him again he left. Zim looked down at it; he could feel the color drain away from his face. For a time he just did nothing but look at it. He had prepared himself for the news that would be coming; yet part of him was still holding onto the hope that she was alive.

His hand trembled slightly as he picked up the letter and opened it. The first thing that caught his eye was that it was written in Miriam's handwriting. 

"Charlie,

Good news, Rebecca has been found alive, a bit banged up but when I checked on her she was doing fine and her prognosis was good. She's a fighter all the way (we know where she gets that from). You should also know that it was Rico who found her. Rebecca will be sent back to earth on the first transport when she's been cleared for it. I will call you when that happens, and to tell you where and when the transport will be coming in.

Sincerely, 

Miriam

Zim felt release rush over him. She was alive and she was coming home. Hopefully the transport would be coming during the two weeks he had off after this group of recruits graduated. It might raise a few eyebrows if he left mid way through training. But that didn't matter to him at the moment, all that did was that Rebecca was coming home.

~*~

Slowly Rebecca Zim opened her eyes; the bright lights from the ceiling blurred her vision and caused her to get a headache. Where was she?

"Oh good, your awake." A doctor came over to her a flashed a pen light in her eyes. "How are you feeling Cpl.?"

"Like hell," she groaned. Slowly her faculties were coming back to her. "What happened? Where am I?"

"To answer your first question, your squad was flanked by a bug hoard, and to answer your second question you're on the Valley Forge." The Valley Forge? What was she doing on the Valley Forge? Her squad was from the Saratoga. The Cpl. tried to sit up but pain raced through her body at the slightest movement.

"Where's my squad?" The doctor's face turned solemn at her words.

"You're one of only 3 survivors, not counting the Pvt. who was pulled off active duty because of the fever. You're one of the lucky ones," he said looking over a chart. "You're going to be shipped out on the next transport."

"Home?"

He nodded, "Yes. You're being shipped back to earth." Rebecca felt herself slip into shock. Home? This couldn't be happening. What was so wrong with her that they would be sending her home? She could feel and possessed all her limbs, so what was wrong?

"Why am I being sent back to Earth?"

The doctor looked over the rim of his glasses and gave a strange look. "Well you no longer have a left kidney, you have 4 broken ribs, your ACL on your left leg is gone, your left wrist is broken, and your right shoulder had to be surgically put back into place. Not to mention that your immune system is severely weakened because your power suit was breached." 

The tone used by the doctor made her skin crawl. He seemed so unaffected. Then a thought came to her, if she was one of the lucky ones (which she knew she was) what had happened to the other two?

"You were extremely lucky they found you when they did, or your family would have gotten a visit from the chaplain telling them that you were dead, instead of the telegram saying you were found."

Rebecca's mind was still waking up, "What? Who are 'they'?"

Again the Doctor gave her a strange look. "Alpha Squad, the Roughnecks. They were sent out to find you and the other MIA. They found you on the ledge of a cliff." The cliff, a memory flashed through her head, the bugs her and Joe Coonzina fighting for their lives.

"Where's Cpl. Coonzina?" 

"Right here." She looked of the side and saw one of her squad mates. A bandage covered half his face. The doctor closed his clipboard and went off to check on his other patients. Coonzina walked over to her bed and sat in the chair next to it.

"You okay?"

She nodded, "As well as I can for a person who's missing an internal organ."

Coonzina gave a sad smile. "Look on the bright side, you've got your billion dollar wound. You're going home." She frowned and closed her eyes.

"I'm not sure I want to go home."

Coonzina raised an eyebrow, "Why not?"

"All my life I've wanted to be a soldier, to make my family proud of me."

He nodded, "Just like your old man huh?"

"What? How'd you know…"

"Oh come off it, I know who your father was since you were assigned to the squad. I went to Currie, and Zim is not a common name. But what I want to know is why you don't want to admit it?"

Rebecca sighed, "I don't want people to think that it's because of him I got where I am. I want to carve out a name for myself." She gave a bitter laugh and continued, "Looks like that won't be happening now."

"They said noting about discharging you, they said you were being shipped home." Coonzina corrected, "You'll probably be stationed on a base somewhere."

Rebecca shook her head, "You don't get it Joe, being a soldier is the only thing I'm good at, I was never good at anything else. Hell I graduated by the skin of my teeth, you know that."

"Yeah I do, but you did graduate and that's what matters. You hung in there, and if you keep on doing that you'll be back here in no time. A little physical therapy back on earth and you'll be taking out bugs left and right." Even at her friend's kind words, she felt a deep fear and sadness start to fill her.

"Hard as it may seem Joe, I'm actually more afraid of going home then I am of fighting in this stupid war."


	3. Meeting

Rebecca looked out the porthole of the transport. After three days of space travel Earth was coming into view. She sighed and thought about the events to come. The transport would be landing at the Senaca MI depot in New York. That was where she would be stationed as well, her new job was Civilian Volunteer Enforcement. That was a really nice way of saying that she'd be sitting behind a desk for eight to ten hours a day making sure the civilian volunteers did their jobs. At least one good thing was coming out of this; her father wouldn't see her. She didn't think she could take his steel cast gaze on her.

Why was this happening? Why had she fallen off the cliff? She should have shared the same fate as most of her squad, or at least have ended up like Joe with a missing eye, or like the Lt. who at least to her knowledge was still fighting for his life on the Valley Forge. Why had she gotten off so easy? Rebecca knew that she was lucky to still have her life, but why didn't she feel lucky?

The transport landed with a jolt. Standing up she swung her gunnysack over her good shoulder and walked out. She nearly passed out at who she saw. Standing there plain as day and dressed in the gray uniform she was used to seeing him in was the last person she expected too, or wanted to see; her father. Limping down the transport's runway she saluted him. He looked a bit shocked but returned the salute.

"You need any help with your gunnysack?" He questioned; she shook her head no.

"I can carry it on my own Sir." As she adjusted the weight of the sack she accidentally placed her weight on her bad leg causing her to yelp in pain.

"I think you do," he went to pick up the sack that had fallen to the ground but she stopped him.

"I said I can carry it on my own Sir!" 

Zim gave a discontented snort she was as stubborn as always. 

"What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be at Currie?" She asked

"In two more days." 

Rebecca cursed under her breath; she had never been good at math. She then started limping off for the depot HQ; she needed to check in with the commander. She had 3 days of medical leave before her new job would start.

'The hours are lousy, the pay's horrible, and the work's as hazardous as hell, but the health plan is great.' She thought walking into the main building. A Pvt. that was sitting behind the desk looked up at her.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm Cpl. Rebecca Zim, I'm here to report to the depot's commander." The Pvt. nodded.

"He's been waiting for you, please go right in Cpl." Rebecca set her sack on the floor, straightened her form and walked into the office. Zim leaned against the wall waiting for her to come out, when she did he noted how she kept her gaze from him. With out a word she picked up her pack and walked past him. He quickly followed her out.

"Where's the fire?" he asked.

Rebecca didn't even turn around to face him as she spoke. "I have to get to my quarters, I have physical therapy at 1400 hours, and I'd like unpack before then."

"I've got the car parked on the other side of HQ, I'll get it and…"

"I can walk there myself."

"Not with that leg, I'm driving you. Do I need to make that an order Cpl.?

Turning around Rebecca shot her father a look that could kill. "Pulling rank? Fine! Since I can't disobey an order from a superior officer…"

Zim sighed, "I'm not here as a superior officer, I'm here as your father."

'That's something new,' she thought as he left to get the car. Why was this happening? Why was he here? Yes he was her father, but he wasn't acting like she remembered, he wasn't acting like the gruff, seasoned Sergeant that he was. What had happened to him? There were so many questions running through her head, and no answers that she could think of. When her father pulled up Rebecca placed her sack on the floor of the front seat and handed him the directions.

Pulling up to the barracks Rebecca quickly found her assigned quarters, slipping her keycard through the lock she stepped inside. It looked more like an apartment then the barracks back on the Saratoga. There was a kitchenette, sofa, TV, bedroom, and a personal bathroom. The Lt.'s didn't even get it this good.

"I think they gave me the wrong quarters, this looks like officer housing." Zim looked at the card then at the door.

"This is it all right. You know I bet this was one of the rooms that were renovated after the depot was closed and turned into an apartment complex."

"Huh?"

"This was an Army depot in the 20th century, and during the Cold War it was said to have housed nuclear missiles. After that it was closed then sometime during the start of the 21st century the quarters were turned into apartments. Then when SICON took over the depot was reopened." 

Rebecca tossed her pack onto the sofa. This was so much different then the cramp living space she had grown used to.

"Well thanks for the history lesson, but it's 11:50 and I want to get a little rest before I go to physical therapy."

"I'll come by later." Rebecca gave and inward sigh, she didn't want him to come by later, she just wanted to be alone. But what was she going to tell him, he was her father and he was worried about her. Not trusting her voice she nodded. After he had left she and collapsed on the couch thanking the powers that be that her father had not tried to embrace her. She wouldn't be able to stand it. She knew that is he had held her, the mental walls that she had put up would fall and God only knew what would happen after that.

Rebecca looked over at the bedroom. That was going to be the strangest thing of all. She had become accustomed to sleeping for only a few minutes after pickup or if she was lucky a few moments before they would have to fight again, and she was sure she had forgotten how to sleep like a normal person. 

"Well, no time like the present to see if I have." After setting her watch to start beeping at 13:00 she gingerly took her arm out of the sling and winced slightly. It still hurt to do anything with that arm. She grimaced when she thought about what physical therapy would be like. As she lay down, the first thing she noticed was that the bed was cold. On the Saratoga, the sleeping area was always in use so when a trooper was given a chance to sleep in a bunk it was warm.

'But this isn't the Saratoga.' Rebecca reminded herself in thought. 'You're never going back, so deal with it!' Closing her eyes, she slowly drifted off to sleep.

She later awoke with a start, breathing heavily, with chills running though her. She couldn't remember anything about her dream, except for the fear that still ran through her body. Slowly her breathing and heart rate returned too normal.

Getting up from the bed she walked into the kitchen. Taking a cloth, she placed it under the sink and turned the tap on. The cold water stung but relaxed her warm face.

"Get a hold of yourself!" She said out loud as she put the rag back on the counter. "It was just a nightmare, nothing to get worked up about." 

Looking at her watch she saw the time read 12:35, she might as well start getting ready. By 14:00 Rebecca had found herself at the physical therapy clinic at the depot. She was surprised that for being large enough to hold full hospital and specialized clinic that this placed was called a depot instead of a base. Siting in the examination room she looked up as a man that appeared to be in his thirties walked into the room.

"Good day Cpl. I'm Dr. Barlow, your physical therapist." He said shaking hands with her. Walking over to a desk on the other side of the small room he looked over a file that had been placed there by a nurse. "How have you been feeling for the past few days? Have you had any pain or discomfort?"

She nodded, "My left shoulder still hurts whenever I move it or put pressure on it." 

"How about your leg and wrist? How are they feeling?"

"My leg hurts me when I put a lot of weight on it, but it's better then before. And my wrist hasn't bothered me in a while." Dr. Barlow nodded and looked the file over again.

"Well it's been long enough for you wrist to have mended, so I'm going to take your cast off." Taking a small saw the doctor cut though the thin layers of plaster and gel-like nanobot sheath. He examined her wrist and smiled. "This looks fully healed Cpl., but I'll need to take a few X-rays to be sure. Oh the wonders of modern medicine. You know, if you had broken your wrist way back in the 20th century you would have had to have worn that cast for at least six weeks." 

Rebecca shuttered at the thought of having to wear that thing for six weeks. It had been bad enough to wear it for three. After the X-rays had been taken and the doctor had said that everything was okay he sent her off with a list of exercises, a new pain killer prescription and a strong warning about not to push herself. 

Rebecca went back to her quarters. With nothing else for her to do she started to unpack and get ready for when her father would stop by.

"So how did things go with the physical therapists?" Her father asked. Just like he had promised he had come by to see how she was doing.

"Okay I guess. My wrist was taken out of the cast, and he told me not to push myself."

"Well you listen to him," he responded.

Rebecca rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall. "Yeah, like I'm gonna physically strain myself when I sitting behind a desk doing paper work."

"Just listen for once, and do what he says."

"Yes Sir."

Zim gave her a stern look; "Will you stop calling me Sir!"

She asked simply, "What do you want me to call you then?" 

"How about Dad for a start. We're both off duty," Zim said.

Rebecca shrugged and sat down on the couch, "Fine."

There was an uneasy silence between them for the next few moments. Zim was the one who finally broke it.

"You hungry?"

Rebecca shot her father a sideways glance, not knowing where this conversation could go. "A little."

"Do you want to go to the galley or Enlisted personnel's club?"

"

Not really."

He gave an exasperated sigh, "How about we go off the depot then? There's this one little place down the road…"

Fine, we'll go." Getting up, she grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. 

As they walked out to the car Zim took a good look at his daughter. She had changed so much since the last time he saw her. He had known that it would happen, but not to this extent. He wished she would turn back into the deep browned hair, gray-eyed girl he remembered her to be. But that would never happen. That Rebecca was lost, replaced by the combat veteran who had seen and experienced things that no person should have to.

The drive there was in complete silence. Not because they didn't want to talk, but because bother felt awkward. Zim was afraid that if he said something the wrong way he'd shatter the fragile father-daughter relationship that existed between them and Rebecca was worried that if she started talking she'd break down and let her true feelings show.

The restaurant they went to was a called Park Place, a nice mom-and-pop establishment. 

"So what do you want?" Zim asked looking over the menu once they had been seated.

"Whatever your having is fine," she responded looking it over herself. "So how'd you know about me coming in today?"

"Coincidence really. I was at the depot waiting to be taken to Currie, and then found out that the transport you were on was coming in."

"Right," she remarked sarcastically. "I don't believe in coincidence. This has Gen. Redwings intervention written all over it."

Zim set the menu aside, "That's the first time I've heard you call her that."

Rebecca gave him a 'so what' look. "I'm a soldier now. It wouldn't be right for me to call her Aunt Miriam like I did when I was ten."

"I'm not saying you need to do that, but for the love of Pete, will you stop acting like this!"

Rebecca sighed and looked down, "Sorry."

Zim reached out and gently brushed a few strands of hair out of her face, "It's okay." Closing her eyes Rebecca savored this small act of parental love. Suddenly she realized what she was doing and turned away. The moment over with, both turned back to the menu. The awkward silence again talking hold.

Zim gave a nervous cough to clear the air, "How do you think the BLT's are here?"

"Like I said, I'm having what you're having." He nodded. After the waitress came to take their order, the two were left in silence again.

"Well, do you plan on telling me the truth about how you knew about me coming here? I mean this depot is in the wrong direction if you're going to Currie."

Zim sighed and set down his drink, "You want the real story, well here it is. Miriam did tell me when and where you were coming in, and she did help me get here, but I would have found out anyway and I would have come here even if I had to hitch hike all the way from camp."

"Just like I thought," she grumbled.

"And what's wrong with that? You're her God-daughter, she cares about you."

Rebecca's face-hardened. "She shouldn't think of me as her God-daughter, not anymore. The same goes for you, you have to stop thinking of me as your daughter and start thinking of me as a soldier!" 

"I can't!" The words came out a little harder then he had intended them to but they got the message across. "You're my daughter and that's what I will always see you as!"

Rebecca found herself dumbstruck by his words. "Why?" She whispered. "Why are you telling me this?"

With a heavy sigh Zim continued he'd never been one for expressing his feelings. "Because I love you, and when…when I thought that I might have lost you forever I realized that when you were home, I never really said that to you that much."

Her voice was laced with venom as she spoke, "You were never home that much to tell me that to begin with." 

The words pierced his heart, hurting more then any wound he had ever received, "I know, but it wasn't like I had a say in the matter."

"You could have said no!" Rebecca pointed out, her voice sharp. 

"Don't you think I tried that? I tried everything possible to be stay on the base, but higher ups didn't care, they wanted me instructing so I had to go!"

"Just face it 'dad' you care more about your career then you do your family!"

Zim took a deep breath trying to control his anger, in truth it took a lot to get him angry but what she had said had started him off on a slow burn. "That's not true, you've always been the priority in my life, and in truth I thought it was better for you if I left."

Rebecca's voice remained low as she responded, "Better? Better! How the hell did you figure that! How did you figure that it was better for me to grow up only knowing you from letters and the two weeks you had between training sessions? How did you figure that it was better for me never to have you there when I needed you? How did you figure that it was better for me to grow up never knowing my mother, but barely knowing my father!" Despite all the rage she was feeling Rebecca's voice remained on an even level.

"I felt that it would be better for you to have a stable home life, not always moving from one place to the next. Not having to leave everything behind just when you've setaled in," he responded.

"I'll admit that moving every six months or so was tough, but it wasn't as tough as growing up without a dad."

"I know that if was difficult for…"

"You have no idea." Getting up she grabbed her jacket and left. Quickly leaving money for the food and drink Zim chased after her. He found her standing outside next to the jeep.

"What was that for?" He asked going up to her.

"It wasn't right to disrupt other people's dinner while we argued," Rebecca answered. 

Zim nodded agreeing with her decision, but he still wasn't done talking with her. "As hard as it may seem to you Rebecca I do know how you feel. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think of you or kicked myself for leaving. But I really felt that it was better for you."

"Yeah right," she growled. "Just take me back to the depot."

"Fine." The drive back to the depot was like the drive to the restaurant, in total silence. When they arrived back that the depot, Rebecca got out of the car and walked towards her quarters walked inside and slammed the door shut.

Zim gave a heavy sigh as he stood outside her door. There was no use talking to her when she was like this. With another sigh, he went off to his own quarters.

Rebecca put her back to the door. Closing her eyes, she tried to push her feelings back down into herself. She wasn't going to let her emotions get the better of her. Once she was sure that her emotions were in check, she made her way to the bedroom. After changing into a pair of shorts and T-shirt she collapsed down onto the bed. She was drained both mentally and physically, and fell into a fitful sleep.

  
Later she awoke for what must have been the third time that night. Getting up, she walked into the living area of her quarters. Looking down at her watch, she was that it read 06:30. With nothing better to do she started unpacking again. She had really gotten most of it down the day before. The only things left to unpack were her personal affects. As she pulled them out from the bag, Rebecca looked them over. One was her high school diploma, the second was her certificate stating that she was a trained soldier from camp Edd Seward, and the final one was a photograph of the entier squad.

Putting the other two things aside, she picked up the photo. It had been taken on Tesca Nemarosa, after her first drop. That had been the day the squad had welcomed her as one of them, a Crusher. The memories spilled out from the back of her mind. She could recall how there had been a felling of family, how Lt. Cain had been tough, but fair, how Cpl. Cronmiller would crack jokes trying to ease the tensions, and Sgt. Donavin was gruff but close to all the members of the squad. Something warm ran down her face, she quickly brushed the tear away. She wasn't going to cry. Closing her eyes Rebecca tried to stop the images from coming, but they didn't stop. Gripping at her bad shoulder Rebecca used the physical pain to get her mind off the emotional pain.

Walking into the bathroom she washed her tear-streaked face. You should let them go. Her mind told her. They're gone now, forget them and get on with your life.

"I can't," she whispered to herself looking at her reflection. "I can't." Just then a knock came at the door. She instantly knew who it was and for a moment thought about just standing there and not answering until he left, but her better judgment won over and she relucktantly opened the door.

"What do you want?" She asked seeing her father standing in the doorway.

Stepping inside Zim allowed her to shut the door, "I wanted to talk about what happened last night."

"What's there to talk about? What's done is done."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry."

Rebecca raised and eyebrow, "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who lost my cool and stormed out of the restaurant."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry for the way things ended last night," he replied.

She nodded, "Apology accepted." He voice was cool showing no emotion.

"Rebecca please, I'm leaving tonight and I don't want to leave thing the way they are between us."

"There's a first time for everything," she mumbled.

"Tell me, there has to be something I can do to straighten things out between us." For the first time in a long time Zim found himself totally helpless about what should be done. The first time being when his wife had left him with their eight month old daughter, and just like then he felt helpless and to a certain extent afraid. 

"There's nothing to be straightened out." They stood their eyes locked, their two proud wills clashing. Both knew that one needed to back down in order for something to be gained but neither wanted to break. 


End file.
